Unpublished works!

Wow, so I wrote this whole post back in August and realized, just now, that I never hit the "publish" button. Don't judge me people. Life is hard! Just be happy you don't have to live inside my brain, too.

So without further ado, a months old post that is new to you so you should enjoy it:)


---Shoes for One, or Thanks Mom

I've had my eye on a pair of shoes for most of the summer. I covet them, and while they're not too expensive, they're rather frivolous. I find myself more in need of work-friendly shoes. Sturdy, water/fluid resistant, and comfortable when standing for hours on end... aka, not super fun and usually on the ugly side. I know that when push comes to shove, I will spend my hard earned money on the work shoes.

Like many people out there, I have a job, and most of the time I do enjoy it. I'm budgeted down to the last penny though and I miss the carefree days when I made enough to cover all my expenses and buy any shoes I wanted (in my defense the shoes I wanted were always either a new pair of Vans or Chuck Taylors... I still want them).

The other night I was having a pity party while doing bills (I think that's really the only kind of party you can have while doing bills. Bills + pajamas = the most boring pajama party ever, OR just a Monday night doing bills for me). I like to have the TV on in the background while working (I don't do well with total silence. If I went to the library to study, I spent most of the time reading the graffiti on the study carrel and wondering whether Michelle and Dave have been together 4-evah or if Erin really was a slut). We've entered the Back to School season, so the commercials hocking all sorts of things that every school age child must have are incessant. I stopped mid-calculation when a commercial for shoes appeared. 45% Off!!! Children were bounding through the air! Mom's were smiling and lacing sneakers! Skinny jeans and skateboards were everywhere! Life was good and I thought how I could take advantage of such a spectacular sale and get the shoes I've wanted. I could buy MY shoes, which often look like a 15 year old would also buy and no one would be the wiser. I don't have to buy shoes for anyone but me.

That's when it hit me... no one but me. It wasn't sadness that hit me, it was the realization that I don't have to worry about buying shoes for my kids. I don't have any. I don't have to panic about where the money will come from for shoes I have to buy for my kids, knowing that they'll likely outgrow them in six months. It was at that moment that I felt the anxiety that my mother must have felt for years. I know we didn't have much money after my dad left, but we made do. I wondered how many pairs of shoes she didn't buy for herself and I thought about how I always had a nice new pair of shoes on the first day of school.

I called my mother to tell her about my revelation and to ask her how she did it. Her reply was "I still have no idea, but we did alright." I explained how I want a new pair of shoes, but don't have the extra money for non-essentials at the moment. She offered to send me a check, but I told her no. I wasn't calling for help but to tell her thank you for wearing shoes that had seen better days so that I could have the latest kicks. She got a little teary and we had a wonderful conversation. I hung up feeling better about life.

I'm thankful that I don't have to worry about other peoples' shoes at the moment, but I'm also thankful that I never had to worry about shabby shoes on the first day of school. Thanks, Mom.